I’ve been wanting to blog/journal/whatever since we’ve been
home from the hospital, but just didn’t have the time or really know what to
say. But I figured I would give a “momma’s perspective” on everything that has happened. Man, what a crazy 5 weeks (today!) it’s been.
I really don’t
know where to start, so I’ll just dive right in:
I’ll never forget the day and night that my water broke.
The
whole day before, I got to spend it with my best friend/sister-I’ve-always-wanted, the beautiful Ashley Dorough. We went to the pool, went to get our
nails done (I just had to get “It’s a Girl” polish on my fingers!), then we
grilled and had a dance party!
I meant that I was getting that baby out that
night!! We played the game “Dance Central” on Kinect,
but that didn’t seem like
enough! So we did some squats together and I ran around the house. I’m a nut!
BUT!!...It worked!
At 1:00 am, I was sound asleep and I felt it! MY WATER HAD
BROKEN! I quickly rolled
out of bed (much like a walrus...I was huge!) and woke
Matt up.
He shot up out of bed and asked, “Are you sure?!”
…………….
Uh yeah! I was
sure!!
There was a moment where we just stood on either side of our bed just
staring at each other in silence. I think we were in shock! I’ll never forget
that feeling, and I could never put it into words. So many emotions flooded my
head: excitement (more like elation!), nervousness, joy, anticipation, etc.
We get to the hospital about an hour later. I couldn’t
believe it was finally the time to meet my sweet Emri Kate!! But I would have
to wait a little bit longer, for dearest Emri was STUBBORN!! It took me a very
long time to progress. We checked into the hospital around 2 am, I got the
Pitocin around 8-9 am (still at only, like, 1.5 cm), and I think I didn’t get
the epidural until that afternoon (shortly after lunch). I had very
painful contractions for a LONG time before I was able to get temporarily
paralyzed from the waist down…and praise the Lord for that temporary
paralysis!! BUT it still wasn’t time. Emri didn’t arrive on the scene until
8:55 pm. So, yes, that’s right…..all in all I was in labor for almost 20 hours!
Oh how it was worth every second!
I really wish I could put into words what it felt like to
hear and see her for the first time.
Relief.
Sheer JOY.
Peace.
Excitement.
I’ll
never forget it for the rest of my life! The nurse said, “Mom, look at your
baby girl!” I looked down at her, threw my head back on the pillow and sobbed
uncontrollably. I’m convinced there’s not a moment in your life to compare to
that one second of seeing your child for the first time! The moments after that
are kind of a blur. We did the normal just-had-a-baby stuff, and then I heard
the nurse say, “Is that a dimple?” Of course, at the time I had no idea what she
meant. I thought, "Oh..she has dimples?! Cute!" But as we all know, that’s not what she
meant. After a brief explanation from the nurse of what that “dimple” was, a
visit from the pediatrician and more in depth explanation from her, in comes
the doctor from the NICU. After this, my memory is kind of blank.
I look back on our time in the hospital and I almost have
this bitterness when thinking about it- just being really transparent. After preparing 9 months for your
baby’s arrival and having so many expectations of how everything will go once
she arrives, having to surrender your baby to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit
minutes after giving birth sucks (for lack of a better term)!!! I remember
after one of our many visits down to the NICU for her to eat, we were back on
our floor about to be in our room when I saw them wheel a new mom
with her new
baby in her arms
into her normal-filled hospital room.
I lost it after that.
I
got in my bed, my mom sat beside me, and I just wept. I remember saying “I
don’t understand this. It’s not fair”…two sentences I will end up saying many
times in the coming weeks.
I didn’t get to change my baby’s first diaper.
I didn’t get
to be there when she had her first bath.
I didn’t get to experience the “stare
at your baby all night to make sure she is breathing” the first night with her.
I wasn’t able to be there when they stuck her a million times trying to get her
IV in, leaving a million stick marks and bruises in her arms, hands and feet.
And I wasn’t there when they decided to put the IV in her head.
It’s very easy
for me to look back on these days in the hospital and be bitter and angry, and
some days I am….but then I’m reminded of all the good. Yes, Emri had to spend her firsts days in the NICU with
needles and wires all over her, but Emri was perfectly healthy! We saw some
very sick babies during our time in the NICU, which put things into perspective
for us. She was fine…this was just a small bump in the road.
After all, if she is here...she is perfect!
We finally got word the she could come home with us, and we
were home on Tuesday night. The following days/weeks were intense to say the
least. Emri cried a lot because she was so hungry (yay for nursing *sarcasm*)
and I was exhausted...among other things. Things got better and I eventually
started enjoying being a mom (no…I didn’t like it for a few days).
Then came our visit to Dr. Oakes at Children’s Hospital. I
had been dreading this day since the appointment was made. The appointment went well, and I made it
through the whole thing with only crying once!
.....
until I got home.
It ALL hit
me at once. Since we found out Emri had this “problem,” I kind of made myself
numb to all feelings surrounding it. Yes, it worried and bothered me at times, but then I
would push the thoughts out of my head. Well, this day, all numbness wore off.
I broke.
Everything came barreling down on me in a second. I never thought
about the future complications this thing could cause Emri until seeing
some of the kids in the waiting room. Thinking of her possibly not being able
to walk, or needing assistance with walking, broke me and I lost it. For the
first time in my life, I was kind of upset with God. I sat there on my couch,
face in my hands, and told God aloud that I didn’t understand…It wasn’t
fair…Why us? Why, when so many of my friends just had perfectly healthy babies,
why would we have to carry this burden?!
Then I got it...
It wasn’t ours to carry. That’s what He is
for! He gladly carries our burdens for us.
I just had/have to give it to him to
carry for me.
If you know me, then you know I’m a bit of a control freak, so
NOT controlling something, obviously, freaks me out. Being a mom in general has
totally flipped my world upside down in this aspect, but throw in a spinal
defect on your newborn little girl, and…well…you can imagine.
I know God is using this situation to bring Glory to his
name. He’s already gotten so much!! In that moment of my breakdown, I told God:
I don’t know what you’re doing, and to be honest I don’t like it. But if it
brings one ounce of Glory to You…then tally-ho!
I DON’T know what he’s doing, and I DON’T understand why,
but isn’t that faith?
Though I have no idea what the heck is going on, nor do I
know what the future holds for my sweet Emri, I DO have faith in my sweet
Jesus. I do have my moments…I’m human. A prayer that I have to repeat continually is Mark 9:24
“…I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief.”
I trust God with everything
I have in me to take care of our little girl, but because I’m human I have
doubts…but Praise God there’s Grace!!
The future for Em is still unknown. We have an MRI scheduled
for August 21. We will then know the next steps needed, if any. Lord willing,
there will be no next steps! I’m believing and claiming complete healing over
her Occult Spinal Dysraphism. While this is a scary situation, we do know that
it could be much, much worse. And we're thankful for that.
Just a side note to end with, I could not even being to
express the gratitude I have for every single one of you who have been standing
beside us praying through this situation. Not a day goes by that I don’t think
about you and thank God for you. All of you have made this so much easier for
Matt and me.
And to all that brought us food…THANK YOU!! Cooking was the
LAST thing I wanted to do the first few weeks! You all are amazing!
And finally, all of you precious, precious friends who blessed
us with a crazy amount of money to help with hospital bills and
such….wow….”thank you” doesn’t even scratch the surface!! Just know that every
single one of you will be blessed ten-fold what you gave us!
I love you all!!! Keep praying for my beautiful, Emri Kate.
She’s a fighter! What an amazing testimony she’s going to have!!
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