Well, as most of you probably know, Matt and I are expecting the 4th Legg of the family! We were very surprised, as we were not planning for another baby, BUT God wanted us to have another, obviously :).
Most parents/parents-to-be use this verse for their new baby:
1 Samuel 1:27- "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him."
We, however, will be using this one:
Proverbs 16:9- "We can make our plans, but the LORD determines our steps." Haha!
Don't get me wrong, I am very excited about being pregnant, but I am also very terrified- of many things.
I wasn't planning on having another baby, therefore I do not feel like I am ready for another one. I think about when this baby will get here and it scares the bageez out of me. I just feel like I'm not going to be able to do it! But God obviously thinks otherwise, so I guess I should feel honored? Ha. I've told Matt, bc we weren't planning for this and were actually trying to prevent it, it's hard for me to be excited about being pregnant. Its like a hump i cant get over. This was the one thing in our crazy, CRAZY lives that we felt like we could control, but God has proven yet again that he is in control of this life. And that's an AMAZING thing! His plan is always always always the best plan, and he has proven over and over again that he is such a good, caring, loving God. He will take care of us, and he will give me the grace, patience, perseverance, energy, etc etc. :), to handle it!
But most of all, I'm absolutely terrified that this baby will be born with spina bifida, like sweet Emri was. Before I found out I was pregnant with #2, I would have conversations with friends about this situation and say, you know- if it happens again we will know how to handle it! And I would say it with complete confidence and zero fear. Now that I'm actually pregnant again, that confidence is gone and I'm scared to death. It is true that, now, we will know how to handle it and won't be so shocked, but I think, what if this one has full blown SB?? What if they find it while still in-utero? Should we do the early defect screening? There's just so much fear. I know it's from the devil, and I know he's just trying to steal my joy of this precious new life. But it's still very real and I just D O N O T want to go through it again. I've been thinking about the night I had emri, after we dropped her off in the NICU and were up in our room alone with Wendy's hamburgers. I still feel that feeling of despair I felt of not having my baby with me...of not knowing the future...of the sadness of knowing my baby had a malformation that we knew nothing about. I don't want to feel that ever EVER again. I know a lot of these feelings and fears have to do with these pesky pregnancy hormones. They definitely don't help the situation! :)
Since my first child had spina bifida I'm 20 times more likely to have another child with SB (according to a spina bifida website). I know statistics are just statistics and my God can do anything, so I am believing that this baby will be perfectly healthy with a perfect spine. Please be praying for us for a healthy baby! It's a very scary, but mostly very exciting time for us and I want to enjoy every single second of it!
I read these verses aloud after Emri was born. Now they take on a whole new meaning, yet somewhat meaning the same:
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1 NIV)
For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13 NIV)
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come. (Proverbs 31:25 NIV)
And a quick update for those who do not know, Matt and I moved to Dallas, Texas on June 1st! Matt was hired at Gateway Church as a highschool pastor at the North Fort Worth campus. We love it and love where we live and our new church family! It's a bit of an adjustment mostly bc were so far away from our friends and family. God has already blessed us unbelievably in just the short month we've been out there! Excited for this crazy, awesome, insane journey!
Love you all! Thanks for the love and support over the last year! Baby girl turns 1 today, June 30! Can't believe it. And she's as healthy as can be. She's learning and trying to walk, and with every little step she takes I praise The Lord! We didn't know if she would ever get to that!
God is good. All the time.