Thursday, October 11, 2012

This was a tough one..

I've been wanting to write this blog for a long time, but have been really nervous and hesitant to,
because I'm going to be really transparent. But after talking to Matt a few times about it,
he assured me that someone needs to hear it and will get something out of it.

First of all, let me start out by updating everyone on where we are with Emri. 
She had her first laser treatment on the hemangioma on her back last Tuesday. It went really well! She didn't seem to be in much pain from the actual treatment or after. We have another (and hopefully last) laser treatment scheduled for next Tuesday (16th). The doctor told us that she was confident that we would be able to keep the surgery date of October 31st. Keep praying that we can!

Here's a picture of before and after of her back:

(Before)

(After..this actually looks better in person)

I also talked to the surgeon's nurse this week about what to expect after the surgery. We have been kind of clueless as to what the recovery would be like. She told me that Emri will have to lay flat for 3 days, but doesn't have to be in one position the whole time...she can roll on her sides and roll over onto her back. I asked her if the recovery would be really painful for her, and she told me that it wouldn't be. She would only need Tylenol when she comes home. The nurse said that we don't have to stay in the hospital for the 3 days that Em has to stay flat, but Matt and I decided that we are going to. She also said that Em doesn't have to be in the ICU, but we are going to request that she be kept in there.

So...for those that are continuing to pray for us, pray that this last laser treatment does the job and makes the hemangioma acceptable for the surgeon. We need surgery to happen as soon as possible. Also, pray that all functionality stays normal in her body as we wait! We won't know for sure if we are doing surgery on the 31st until the 30th when we go in for pre-op stuff. Pray for me!...that's going to drive me crazy!!

So... to the part that's been hard to write...

The last few months have been the most emotionally, physically, spiritually draining months of my life. Since the day we found out Emri would have to have surgery, I've just been very angry. Walking out of Children's to our car after the MRI, I remember saying to my mom, "I have so many thoughts in my head and not one of them are good towards God."
I was/am so mad at him for making Emri go through all of this. And selfishly I'm mad at him for making US go through this.

Since that day, it's been an internal struggle for me. I haven't wanted to pray. I haven't wanted to read my Bible. Honestly, I just haven't wanted anything to do with God. I know that sounds super harsh, and this is the part that I've been struggling to write about and share. But I've been hurt...my feelings are hurt...and it's like I've been pitching a temper tantrum with God.
I compare it to times that I've asked my dad for something and wanting it really badly, but he tells me no.
I prayed and prayed and prayed, and so many other people prayed and prayed and prayed, for them to do the MRI and find NOTHING that needs surgery.

But we didn't get that.

When someone would text or call us saying they were praying for us, I wanted to say
"You know, don't even bother."

For weeks now, I've had a lot of unforgiveness in my heart towards Him. And I think in the past I would've felt super condemned and wrong for that...like I was "going to Hell" (said in my best Southern Baptist preacher voice) for feeling these feelings.  
But you know what the beauty of God is??
THERE IS NO CONDEMNATION!
He understands what I'm going through and the feelings that I have.
He understands that I can't see the good that will come out of this whole situation.
And He, if anyone else should, understands the pain I feel when I see my daughter going through all of this physical pain.

Y'all...his love is  u n c o n d i t i o n a l!! Meaning- He knows my heart better than I do, so he knows those deep down feelings and thoughts I have that I'm probably too ashamed to admit, but he STILL loves me just the same.

He doesn't give us things to punish us or test us. That's not how he works.

Think about it, this life really isn't about us anyway, huh? We are living for the eternal, and God's motives are too big for us to understand, so when we are given these "hardships" maybe that's God using something to reach other people.

I was talking to a friend a while back about someone we know who's battling cancer and someone who had just died. That friend told me that someone told her, "there are people that need to be reached, that would only be reached through that person's death."

That hit me really hard. Emri isn't dying anytime soon (though the devil likes to put that thought in my head every single day when thinking about the surgery), but there is someone out there who God will only be able to reach through this situation Emri is going through. Maybe it's one of our family members, or a friend, or a stranger. Or maybe it Matt and myself! We don't know. But I do know that I have to trust what he is doing.

God loves you...God loves you...God loves you...but the Bible says that His heart is for the lost!

Jesus said: “If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them gets lost, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others in the wilderness and go to search for the one that is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he will joyfully carry it home on his shoulders. When he arrives, he will call together his friends and neighbors, saying, ‘Rejoice with me because I have found my lost sheep.’ In the same way, there is more joy in heaven over one lost sinner who repents and returns to God than over ninety-nine others who are righteous and haven’t strayed away!" Luke 15:4-7


We will get through this. Emri will recover with full functionality of EVERY part of her body. It's just a little journey that we have to endure for a bit. 
I can't help but think, man! God must have some huge plans for our family for the devil to be coming at us so much! Good news?? He's already defeated! 
Just like, if you would re-watch the old  Bama vs. LSU National Championship game...you don't get nervous and anxious about Bama winning, right? You already know they've won! So when satan is coming at you from every angle possible, laugh at him, y'all! He has zero victory!!

I hope this has helped someone. I've been feeling a nagging in my Spirit for a very long time to share this. I love you all so very much. Thanks for every single prayer prayed..and YES- still DO bother to pray them ;)

To end, I wanted to share these verses:

"These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1Peter 1:7

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord." Isaiah 66:9

love to all!
Katie

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